From Musk Til Dawn

Is that you are still not sure… whether I am a predator or the prey? I am both. Accept that. I will let you stalk me up until the moment of kill… and then I shall strike. I feel your life force when I drink you. But you have yet to take mine…

Perhaps I need to bait you more…past encounters have proven I can will what I want… But I need to be taken, shocked, melted into oblivion. I need to feel your power. Circumstance provides the perfect tragedy. Our scents need to coalesce. My hunger for that union is growing stronger. Perhaps it is not meant to be. 

The fight for destiny and free will is so futile it hurts my soul. The never ending answers, the questions that have been lurking. I crave to feel the strain of your muscles. Your grip needs to be tighter…

You must have me the way I was meant to be. Kiss me hard and make me yours, if but for a moment. I am meant to be taken. I need to see your chest heave and your eyes darken to coal black. I need to smell your control slipping away…my lips need to be swollen, my skin needs to burn.

My ears need to be filled with guttural testimony to your desire. I want to feel what I felt in my dreams last night.

They passed not in clarity, as if film negatives were being passed quickly before my eyes. It was a blur. I could only feel with my skin… I could feel your cock pulsing inside my pussy…I came hard wrapped up in you, pinned down. Your teeth were all over my neck… I felt a wave of life pass over me when I felt you pulse inside me, cuming hard, forcing your mouth onto mine. 

To describe the surrealism of my dreams at times… the challenge lies in the nature of my flow. As a writer, I am humbled by the fact that every word I write has been written, or shall be written. Dreams are link to whole, the circle, every moment that has ever been and will be. I am just a collection, a highway for the thoughts and dreams that decide to come out of hiding. 

How can I explain the feeling of flight, the vacuum that is bleeding to death, the feel of never knowing that strange lover. I may be able to put forth the wisdom and subconscious of humanity, but damned if I lose my ability to describe the tenacity of my dreams. 

More often than not, I remember. I remember the pain of loss, the elation of saving a soul. The treasure hunt that ensues every night used to frighten me. Over time I have learned to control the impulses of all the realities that try to penetrate my thoughts. I had all the power in the universe. And yet, I revel in relinquishing control. It would not be healthy to stop being a receiver…

I cannot describe to you these images without doing a severe injustice. The best dreams are where secrets are revealed to me. The best dreams are the ones on which I break the crest and infiltrate…

I lasted for so long.

I ran for years

I took flight as

that sun attacked my vision.

How many times

will my wings have to melt

before I return home. 

How I find myself in this fantasy land, I am not clear on. I do know it started with a glance and a handshake what now seems like years ago…Here I am. Cheek to cheek with my assistant at a party I can only describe as desperation wrapped in fancy colored paper. Pretty much every industry party in this wasteland. 

What brings me to this particular dance was a favor for an old friend. He is so fucking persuasive it kills me. He knew I should be getting out of the house. It is just so much easier to run away. Than there is still the matter of Him. He still believes he holds power over me. Such suffering will ensue the day he realizes this. As if he still has a chance. The territory he thinks has has…

But this is my night. Even though I can sense him. He is here, somewhere. It is so easy for me to tune out the static, the empty noise that floats around this town. I languidly sip on my drink. I love watching. When I first moved here I seamlessly evolved into a coveted pair of ears. I am becoming known around here for my ease with egos, for my political sorcery.

I feel safe in the perch I have chosen. Raoul gave me the side arm squeeze. I was lost watching the doorway, when he whispered in my ear.

“That gentleman over there will not stop looking this way…”

I look to where he is directing my eyes…

In all the time I have been here, I have never been star struck in the classical sense. I dated and became engaged to quite the famous face….notorious for perversion and a deadpan gaze. 

But damned if my heart isn’t racing… it’s HIM. Of all people. Fuck. I can feel the heat of his gaze, the way he is probing my every being, making my skin hot. Not to be outdone, I decide this is a prime time to take a turn about the room…

What is this….I end up at this party, this legitimate industry party, and I have no time to relish in it before I am attacked…in the sea of faces, many familiar, many too vapid to intrigue me, this creature appears. She is not like the rest… and those laughing eyes betray her collected poise. Predictably her cuck boy is on to my ruse. She meets my gaze. I do believe I am falling…

Raoul tells me he is just a producer now. I find it hard to believe he is not still ‘in the game’ so to speak.    And in any case, he is a known womanizer. I would be crazy to use my charms… it would be too easy. The egos in this town love the game. I am not in it to lose, or win, for that matter. I must admit the prospect of entering a brain of man like that is making me salivate. 

The way she stood up, and took the arm offered her tells me everything I need to know. This well bred gentile is not from this land. Maybe not even this planet….Everything in my blood wants to know what is going through that mind… not to mention my hand needs to be at the small of that curved back… the way she moves with more beauty in a white tee shirt and black jeans is killing me.

I have already caught his scent. This is already more dangerous than I ever imagined. It is the heady musk that dreams are made from…Nothing good will come of this, but I know I can’t let this go.

I need a fresh drink, and my assistant is on it. Here it comes. The beauty of my charms, the key to it all, is how I, the Hunter, pretend to be the prey. I can sense his every move, and I know he is coming up behind me. I know I am smiling ear to ear, but right as I turn around I laugh right in his face…

I come up behind her. her long hair is pulled back. Right as I am about to come around to surprise this vixen, she turns abruptly and laughs right at me. Am I shocked? Should I be? She stands a few inches taller than me, made less obvious by the fact that she apparently eschews heels. Those blue eyes. Her face is something out of a renaissance painting. I lean in to kiss her…

Like a flash back, like the ultimate deja vu, he leans in to kiss me….and I lean back, just as I did before, and arch my back. 

“And you, good sir, have crossed a line. I do not know which one yet, but I think we should find out.”

I always use this manner of speaking when I want control. Which I have, for now. 

” Do you always sneak up on ladies you have stared at for an hour?”

He does not answer me with words. Instead, he places his hand at the small of my back and leads me away…

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And by the grace of everything civil, of everything right in this world, he had the gall to come back here. My sanctuary. Yet I decide to hear him out. I sense something broken inside of him. I do not smell fear, or even defeat. More like the smell of a warrior preparing for battle. 

My heart is not easily swayed. Not anymore. He knows this. Then why is he here? Something has him in a grip. I left him with the perfect ending. He owes me nothing. I am granting him audience for no other reason than curiosity. Down here at this perfect waterfront setting. Hot air everywhere, the cool lake breeze making my skin tingle. It is that, or his gaze. I made these plans before his arrival, and be damned if I miss out on seeing old friends. 

I need to face this force that is her. I fucked up. And she left. Flew away, on the trade winds back to her homeland. I got what I deserved. She left with the perfect words…how could I forget.

“I have never disrespected you. I shared my convictions from the start. And I went into this without prejudice.” 

Her fury! Her words were so calm. But the fire was so hot. Her hair was tightly braided. I recall every curve in that linen shirt and leather riding britches. She rode horses? I had no idea. But I found her. 

I stood there. In the hot sun. I had no argument. 

” You listened to rumor and it destroyed the journey. And now I could never see myself by your side. It really is that simple. We had something important and lovely. And you tainted all that was right. “

Those eyes, those blue eyes that mirror my own. She never asked for anything. I want to give her everything now. All at once, make her understand. She is right. I am a selfish bastard. She did nothing to warrant my digital wrath. And now I am the monster I made her out to be. Everyone has seen through the hasty response to a scenario that never happened. 

She never went to him. He came to her, and she turned him away without a second thought. I believed the lies, and now she sees no truth left in me. 

I can smell her. I cannot live without that smell. 

” I want you know, that I regret nothing. I still would have laughed in your face that first moment you saw me. I would still relish in that first taste of you.”

Now I know this is goodbye. 

” And I will have those memories forever. Do not worry about me, my heart will soon forget.” 

I want to touch her. But I hold back. It would not be fair. 

And that is how she disappeared. I had a feeling she would leave for a while. But I did not think it would be for so long. I retraced those steps, I re read all her letters. Letters I largely ignored at the time. I really am the devil. How could I not see all the signs? 

And that brings me here. Watching her smile, knowing it isn’t me behind those eyes. She was right. I will survive. But I must have her, now, then, more than ever. The dress she is wearing… too much. the lithe lines of her back, the way it drapes around that ass before falling like a waterfall around her legs. 

She was my best friend. Right here in front of me it is becoming all too clear.